First Things First

Hi peeps, welcome to my 'other' blog.

I have a lot that i want to say, about a lot of things. I can't really put them on my existing blog, because it's the one I send all of my potential customers to (I'm kind of an artist.) So yeah, I keep that one very professional and upbeat- which is not exactly the way I feel much of the time momentarily.

I'll be very honest, my life is only a few degrees short of officially being a hot mess right now. I'm unemployed, soon going back to graduate school. In spite of the fact that I've thought it through fairly well, I do kind of second guess myself on this decision- My first job folded because of the economy (no fault of my own- hell I'd been told by my boss multiple times that I was impressing the heck out of them, and I'd been set up for a promotion in a fraction of the time it usually took with the company.) I had a part time in retail for awhile, along with a fairly decent freelance income from my own artistic work, but I knew it was no long term deal. I kind of decided on grad school quickly and a little haphazardly- I guess I'd thought about it off and on for some time, but once it was actually said out loud, it went pretty quickly. That was a battle in and of itself- what to get the master's in, where to go to get it, etc. Anyway, I'm back where I did my undergrad, and in a lot of ways I feel like I'm re-doing things. There was a whole lot of fail in my undergrad- some of it out of my hands completely, some of it I should have caught and corrected myself. In any case, I learned what went wrong the first time, so now I just have to get down to making things work this time around. I'll finish school when I'm twenty eight- there's no second chance from there, I have to be employable and making it on my own with the ability to pay back my loans. I already kind of feel like a huge failure that I couldn't do that strait off of my undergrad like the majority of my class did. But to be honest, I'm a different sort of person than most of my class, I don't think I would be happy doing the same jobs that they picked up. I've got some ideas of what I'd like to do with my life- they're just very, very NOT set in stone, because I have a very bad track record as far as actually being able to fulfill any plans I make. Seriously, the second I start making actual plans for something, major parts of the equation suddenly fall the fuck apart and I'm left standing there thinking "well this sucks, what now?'

In other parts of the train wreck, I'm overweight-a lot. As in I basically have to lose a full third of my weight right about now. I've always had issues with my weight. I did manage to lose a lot once before, but unfortunatly that got to be a very unhealthy kind of weight loss and I eventually gained quite a bit back (which really, in retrospect, was not nearly as bad as I though it was- I was a teenager, everything was a goddam crisis at that time.) I did manage to maintain a fairly good weight for me for about 2-3 years, at the beginning of undergrad, but yeah...shit happened...it really was a continuation of everything going to hell at the same time. I'm standing up and trying to make a serious change now- joined Weight Watchers the other day- we'll see how this goes. Food is a huge safety blanket, time killer, all around deaden-er of the past that I've used as a crutch for some time, so it does feel strange to treat it more as a 'controlled substance' (I'm not saying it's a bad program, but as someone who self-medicates via food, having any kind of limit set to what and how much I can eat in a day takes a lot to get used to.)

Basically, I'm sitting here, realizing that I am a hellavah long way away from where I though I would be at this point in my life, and equally far away from where I'd like to be. There's a lot that I'll end up covering on this blog, mostly I just want to be honest and figure out where I'm going and how to get there. I'm a weird hodgepodge of things that shouldn't go well together- I'm basically a conservative hippie- yes I know that makes no sense in print, but if you know me, that actually is a pretty good description (summed up-I like small government and the free market, because it allows me to more freely pursue frolicking in nature, hugging trees, and then subsequently painting pictures of them that I can sell for money. It works :) )

Well, first post is out of the way. It all theoretically gets easier from here. It will, for sure, get more random. Pay attention, it's going to be an interesting ride.